3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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