New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
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