I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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