Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish you could order shots online.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
