he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have aggressive nipples.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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