So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just had sex on a roof
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
