I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
