As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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