Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
