I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
