did you get engaged???
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
