I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
