So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
