im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
