so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
