Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
