At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
