we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
