Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
