My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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