she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
