drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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