I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
