took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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