So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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