roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
