16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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