If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
