I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
