I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
