Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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