This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
