I cannot find my penis.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
