you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
