I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
