and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You took a bar mat shot.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
