a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
