ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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