I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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