Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
