Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
