Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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