Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
