I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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