I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
