I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
