She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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