I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
