found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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