my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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