Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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