have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
