oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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