Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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