he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I need a beard to bite.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
