I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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