you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
