Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
