Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
