3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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