The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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