apparently the secret to your success is patron
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm too high and old for this...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
