I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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