i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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